Bandaid Therapy

My 3 children share a bathroom.  For a while we monitored Andy very closely.  That boy could drain a 50 gallon water heater and still be filthy afterwards.  More times than not, my husband has gotten ready for work in a lukewarm shower.

After a lot of assistance and practice, we had him trained to announce he was going to shower (in case anyone else needed hot water and to start my mental timer). He usually managed to clean himself fairly well.  He loves to sing in the shower- cartoon show music, songs he learned at school, songs he makes up himself.  One of the funniest moments I have is listening to Andy belt out an Opera style made-up theme song to Dexter's Laboratory.  

I became lax over time and should have noticed the one Saturday morning when Andy was quiet in the shower.  As I came up the stairs with the clean laundry it dawned on me-

I threw open the bathroom door and quickly yelled "Andy! What the hell are you doing in there?!"

My Andy has a manly, deep voice- but when he is startled he screams like a girl...it is a big game in our house to scare Andy and get him to say "Moooooommmmm (or whoever else might have found an opportunity) you MADE me scream LIKE A GIRL!!!"

But I digress- the last thing I said was "Andy! What the heck are you doing in there?!"
(This is a g-rated blog)

"I'm not doing anything Mom.  I would never use Kelsey's razor."

I threw open the shower curtain to find Andy standing naked, the purple razor laying on the floor of the tub, and blood seeping from bazillion cuts around his sideburns, across his top lip, and chin.

After slapping a hand towel across his face, I shut the water off, and wrapped his body in a big towel.

"Where on Earth did you get this idea?"

"Bugs Bunny shaved Elmer Fudd, but we don't have the same kind of razor, so I used Kelsey's"

At this point I'm questioning the purchase made months earlier of the 7 disc Warner Bros. cartoon series.  Was he going to start dropping anvils out of his bedroom window?  Was he going start digging a hole in the backyard and try not to take a wrong turn in Alburquerque?! Did not see this one coming at me!

Back to the bathroom....

"Andy, you could really hurt yourself.  KELSEY, YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR RAZOR IN THE SHOWER ANYMORE!"

(Note: I'm not blaming Kelsey at this point, I simply have to disburse important instructions as soon as they occur to me.  If I don't do it right then and there- it will not be remembered later. That also denies me the ability to say "I told you so" for the next 6 months)

I turn Andy to the fogged up bathroom mirror and tell him to look at his face.  He is completely confused since he can't see a single thing.  I do a mental face palm as it dawns on me what I have just said and I begin to wipe the mirror off with my hand.

"Mom, you said we can't do that.  You're making a mess!"

(I want credit for not telling him to shut up at this point!)

The bleeding had slowed to the point that I could get a good look at him.  Only paper cuts, no severe damage done.  He still had eyebrows, but one ear appeared a bit lower since he had managed to take 1/4 of his left sideburns off.  I could have left him air dry and scab up naturally- but I needed to make an impression.

I could pull out the old Bactine (I don't care what the advertisements use to say- that stuff hurt!) But all I had was the spray- I would have some explaining to do if I blinded him.  I'm sure there is some small print on the bottle about "avoiding the eyes or face."

Band Aids!!  I have a lot of brown ugly Band Aids!  This boy hates Band Aids! I can never get him to keep them on a wound.  I usually have to wrap a limp in duct tape in an effort to start the healing process.

So I started to unwrap an assortment of strips. 15 big, small, and circular- I took some of each.  By the time every single wound was covered. He looked like a ventriloquist dummy because I had a strip down the corner of each side of his mouth.  Hey- I left his eyes and nostrils open.  Andy could see, he could breath, and he was yelling!

"MOOOOOOMMMM  TAKE THESE STUPID THINGS OFF MY FACE!"

Well- in all honesty- he couldn't actually yell. He spoke more like the TinMan in the Wizard of Oz before Dorothy oiled his mouth. His lips never moved, but he had impressive volume!

"Not until you have worn them for 10 minutes. You need to stop bleeding!"

Long story short, we went to the kitchen to set the timer. I know I had to restart it a few times while I replaced the band aides he tried to pull off. We had a calm discussion about using razors, scissors, knives, or any sharp implements in his future. He seemed to have learned his lesson, because the first time John shaved him with his new electric shaver, we had to do some convincing that he would be safe and that no Band Aids would be needed.

For the record- I still have Bactine, but there are now Sponge Bob band aides in the bathroom drawer.