Crime and Punishment

Andy is 20 years old; he's 5'11"tall and weighs a tad bit more than I do.  He's bigger, stronger, but not exactly smarter than me- Thank goodness!  Don't get me wrong- he's one smart cookie- but he's not "Mother of 3 kids" smart.

Andy has gone through cycles of behaviors over the years.  His level of naughtiness depended on is age.  His level of defiance has increased with his size.  Sometimes he only needed to be threatened with "Wait until your father gets home".  Recently he evolved to losing his TV, computer, or his beloved chicken nuggets for a certain period of time. 

Andy use to comply with my demands simply because I was the mom.  Slowly, he grew to dislike and balk almost any request I made:

Me:  Andy, would you please pick up your dirty laundry?

Andy:  MOOOOooooooom! 

Me:  Andy, you need to take a shower.

Andy:  Are you KIDDING me?!

I could go on and on and on....

No matter what- if my husband had to intervene- compliance was guaranteed.  One word from John and Andy snapped into action.  Usually with a gusto and positive attitude I could only hope for. 

Lately, Andy has decided that Dad isn't in control either.  I've lost my back up!  John lost the ability to jokingly say to me "I don't know what you're complaining about.  He likes me just fine!"  He is now feeling as powerless as I do.  (Ha- take that Super Daddy Man!)

About a year ago, Andy became mad at me while I was in his room.  He yelled, carried on, and finally backed me into the hallway- slamming the door in my face.  It was a battle I wasn't prepared for and his size and volume took me by surprise making me back away in retreat. 

He lost all technology for 2 weeks as punishment for being so nasty to me.  It was 2 long weeks of crying, begging, yelling and discussing why he was being punished at all.   It took months for my word to have any meaning again and he repeatedly tried the physical intimidation game.  It felt like I was staring down a grizzly bear with only a feather in my hand.

With time and standing my ground- 8 times out of 10- I'm in charge again.  Andy's older sister and younger brother don't always understand the 'dance' I'm doing.  I try to pick my battles with each of them.  Some things just aren't worth the fight.  Other situations call for confrontation.

More than once Andy and I have gotten into a verbal squabble in front of them.  Both Kelsey and Mike have tried to step in to stop Andy from taking swing at me (or so they think he's going to swing).  I first have to stop Kelsey (or Mike) from intervening. Then I must finish up with Andy, and finally try to patch things up with Mike (or Kelsey).   

If I let Andy win again, I don't know how long it will take me to regain control, power, or authority!  They fear for their mother (it truly touches my heart that they care enough) and they sometimes believe I might let Andy get away with murder. 

He's a 20 year old autistic man.  He is verbal.  He has definitive likes and dislikes.  Most people his age have had significant relationships, driver's license, Independence, and a life beyond high school.  Andy has one more year of school (or vocational training).  Someday he will live outside our home (assisted living facility, group home) and he will have a job that stimulates and challenges him daily.

Andy has typical/atypical growing pains!  (If someone has written a book on this- please send me the title)

Now, how does one get creative with a 20 year old man who wants to have some control in his life?  I've been pondering this for months.  I've decided that the old adage "The Choice is yours- make it a good one" is something I can work with.

Apparently I've been punishing bad choices and behaviors for too long.  It has been probably a decade since I tried to consistently reward the good choices. 

I'm switching things up.  Instead of focusing on the negative- I'm going to encourage the positive.  I'm making a chart to display on the fridge.  I'll place daily tasks, chores, expectations to be marked off by Andy.  I'll set reasonable goals to achieve a reward.  I'll have a variety of rewards to earn.  The boy loves McDonald's, movies, and Schleich animal figurines. 

I'm tired of fighting with him.  I'm sure he's sick of me fighting with him.  Something has to give- but it can't be my authority.

Wish me luck- maybe one day soon he'll appreciate his mother again. If I'm really lucky- John won't be able to mock me with his Super Daddy Man status!